Walk Ye In It

Desperately Actual

suffer me a moment to explain my situation...you see, i knew this would happen...i knew last fall when i searched and searched for a place to serve this summer and everything fell through and i could find no peace about it. i knew that God was sending me to do the one thing i so desperately wanted to avoid: going home. the details are not necessary but just know that even though i love my family- i would pretty much kill to be anywhere but here.

this is why i love change- because anything new is better
simply due to the fact that it is different.

home= stress...
stress over money...stress because of conflict...stress because of junk...stress because of drama... inevitably i sink into this pit of depression and find my solace in the arms of my lover:
let's call him "TV" or "Food" or "Sleep" or "Reading" or anything else that lets me avoid reality...

knowing all this is why i so desperately wanted to avoid coming home- it makes me feel like a failure and i dread and hate failure more than anything...
so i tried to pump myself up the last few weeks of the semester by telling myself that this summer was going to be...well, pardon the redundancy- but different...

and i have tried-really i have- i seek out discipline and energy and focus- but they slip through my fingers and i am left tormented by these old demons and my looming failure once again...

i know i am not the only one to have felt this wretched and compared with so many my complaints must fall on deaf ears...so i would like to point my fellow malcontents to the only thing i find true solidarity with: Jesus Christ...

if you have never read My Utmost for His Highest then stop reading and go buy a copy right this minute...if you have one- flip to the May 19 entry and be comforted...it is called
"Out of the Wreck I Rise"
key verse: "Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ?" Romans 8:35-
Oswald Chambers says:

"God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says- "I will be with him in trouble." It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man's life, not one of them can seperate him from his relationship to God. We are "more than conquerors in all these things." Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we ar where we are, exactly in the condition we are in. I am sorry for the Christian who has not something in his circumstances he wishes was not there....Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are against God's character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it- the love of God in Christ. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time."

posted by Charris @ 8:20 PM