important stuff
my phone rang the other night. i answered. it was a friend. him. he couldn't talk long. actually he planned on leaving a message. i fouled his plan. cause i answered. cause he called. no matter.
before he hung up. he had a question. not how are you. or what's been going on cass. or whether i'd had a good day. no. he had time for one question. it was about romans. he thought i might know. i didn't actually. no matter. we hung up.
but i was thinking. later. of how extremely profound that was. here i hadn't talked to him. in nearly two months and he only had time to cover one topic. and he chose the bible. salvation in particular. and then i thought about how much i/we/all of us spend ourselves over trivial matters. when we should be thinking/talking/questioning each other about the really important stuff in life.
you see i've been avoiding this here blog. cause a lot happened in a short time. and i didn't feel like writing a novel. not yet. i'm saving that for my thirties. so i just didn't write at all. and then more stuff happened. but then i realized that it's just stuff. and it's okay that i don't share it all except for the important stuff.
so i'll skip the road trips. i'll skip the good movies. the yard sale. the precious family that made me cry. the friends. the really good friends. the wedding. the engagement. the other engagement. oh and the other engagement. i'll also skip the volleyball. my grandmama beating me at checkers. three times in a row. the books. the really good books. the doctor. the diet. the phone calls. all the phone calls. and all the rest of my stuff in a sea of stuff that happens all the time to everyone.
what you should know about me is that i have decided.
i have decided what i want to be when i graduate.
i want to be a christian.
not sure what i'll DO. but that is what i want to still BE.
all the rest is just stuff anyway.
Through the Sea
backstory:at the end of this past semester i was thinking about my "after college plans"
dun-dun-dun-dun duhhhhh!!!!.....and no matter what they wind up being exactly
...(though i am leaning toward moving overseas...who really knows except the Lord, right?)...wherever i am i want to know more about this God whom i serve...but how? and then it hit me: it's called the Bible, stupid-> read it
teeny caveat: sad really how little we "christians" know about the "inspired Word of God"
so i asked God to help me read it more consistently
----and the next day my beloved watchcare mother gave me an early birthday present
you guessed it: a Daily Walk Bible
(amazing how the God of the Universe does these small small things to remind me that He really is who He says He is!!!)real story:i jumped into this thing pretty excited and managed to clop my way through Job (of all the places to have to start) which actually considering the state of my life was very appropriate
but now it is June...June is all about the Psalms...
but you see- i don't really
feel like reading Psalms
everyday---and sometimes all the tree and mountain references kinda blur together (that happen to anyone else?)
okay so a few days ago i came upon
Psalm 77- mind you it was like 1 am and the blur thing was happening- so i mustered every oz. of the Holy Spirit i have in me and made myself pay attention to that which i was reading- and boy am i glad i did
Asaph (the writer) starts off crying to God- i mean he is moaning and groaning (been there) he feels like God has rejected him...he feels forgotten by God...so what does he do? he begins to recall all that the Lord had done...and then...in the midst of his terrible situation-feeling separated from his God...what does he do now? he starts praising God (whoa) ....he starts talking about how God delivered the Israelites from the Red Sea and this is what he says:
"Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters- a pathway no one knew was there! You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep, with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds." (verses 19 and 20)
good story:i think sometimes we tend to picture "God's will" like it is this yellow brick road and if we take one step off of it we fail or something...i'm not so sure this is true- in fact i think that might be wrong...because we all stumble...we all wander off the path...and occasionally something comes upon us that was not our doing that is downright miserable...besides i'm not sure success and failure should be things we are concerned with anyway.....the point: whatever we are dealing with...no matter what particular 'sea' we are facing--his path leads
through it...not around it...not over it...but right through it...and he doesn't expect us to go it alone...no- he
leads us through it!
how incredible!!!
as we stand on the edge of whatever we are facing with our past haunting us like Pharoah's army and nothing but storms ahead- we can be confident that he will make a way- a way that no one else could have seen before-- and then he will lead us on that way
....now whether the sea floor is made of yellow brick-i suppose is still up for debate
Torture
As some of you may know- i am currently unemployed (though searching for work diligently) but this week- this week i have a "job" of sorts...and no... i was not hired to 'wack' anybody...nor have i taken up exotic dancing
believe it or not- i'm house sitting
(of all the ridiculous things to do with my time)
actually it's kinda like being at a spa- laying by the pool- eating their food- watching their television- good times- and although i'm stuck here all by myself all i have to say is to offer some wise sentiment from a disney movie (oliver and company) "Hey man, if this is torture: chain me to the wall!"
so back to my hermit ways- but this week i'm a first class recluse!
Insurrection
before i begin- let it be known that i borderline hate star trek and will always (and i mean always) be a star wars lover at heart.
that said- in the midst of my current funk (for full details see blog below) i had a moment of slight inspiration the other day while watching
star trek: insurrection. why- you ask- would i bother wasting my time at 2 am to watch this ridiculous film...let's not attempt to cover motivations- instead- may i leap o'er the reasons why and try to share what it is that i managed to glean from this most unusual source...
2 things really:
1) i need to remember how to play
2) i need to learn how to live 'in the moment'
the first comes from a conversation between a child and an android
(a machine that looks like a human) Data (the machine's name) wonders what it would feel like to be a child because he has been the same dimensions since he was 'created' and will be the same way when he is 'switched off.' he cannot fathom what it would be like to always be changing and falling over your feet- in response the kid asks him if he plays- Data does not understand what it would mean to do something 'just for the fun of it'
so i asked myself if in the midst of all this 'big girl drama' if i had forgotten how to play...this may seem childish- but that is kinda the point now isn't it?
the second is from a conversation between the captain (the bald guy that plays the professor in X-men) and a woman (who lives on this planet that has made her sorta immortal and given her the ability to appreciate things slowly because time is no longer an issue for her and her people) she asks him if he has ever experienced a moment where time seemed to stand still- in response he describes the first time he ever saw his home planet from space- she explains that there is such power in that one moment- and that if we are always focused on what lies behind or what is to come that we cannot begin to feel that power or experience it's beauty
sadly- i am a person always reflecting on the past or contemplating the future- my thought patterns are typically oriented around 'when' or 'if' or 'then' instead of 'right now'...this manifests itself in my poor use of time and the paralyzing tendency to procrastinate. not to mention- if i am forever dreaming of the greener pasture- when am i doing the business of becoming that person i see in the vision????
i thought of these things as i walked through the park last week- it started to rain- i kept walking- it continued to rain harder but i kept thinking- and then i stopped-and walked over to the playground- in the rain- and began to swing-
just for fun
in the moment
Desperately Actual
suffer me a moment to explain my situation...you see, i knew this would happen...i knew last fall when i searched and searched for a place to serve this summer and everything fell through and i could find no peace about it. i knew that God was sending me to do the one thing i so desperately wanted to avoid: going home. the details are not necessary but just know that even though i love my family- i would pretty much kill to be anywhere but here. this is why i love change- because anything new is better simply due to the fact that it is different. home= stress...stress over money...stress because of conflict...stress because of junk...stress because of drama... inevitably i sink into this pit of depression and find my solace in the arms of my lover: let's call him "TV" or "Food" or "Sleep" or "Reading" or anything else that lets me avoid reality... knowing all this is why i so desperately wanted to avoid coming home- it makes me feel like a failure and i dread and hate failure more than anything...so i tried to pump myself up the last few weeks of the semester by telling myself that this summer was going to be...well, pardon the redundancy- but different...and i have tried-really i have- i seek out discipline and energy and focus- but they slip through my fingers and i am left tormented by these old demons and my looming failure once again...i know i am not the only one to have felt this wretched and compared with so many my complaints must fall on deaf ears...so i would like to point my fellow malcontents to the only thing i find true solidarity with: Jesus Christ...if you have never read
My Utmost for His Highest then stop reading and go buy a copy right this minute...if you have one- flip to the May 19 entry and be comforted...it is called
"Out of the Wreck I Rise"
key verse: "Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ?" Romans 8:35-
Oswald Chambers says:
"God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says- "I will be with him in trouble." It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man's life, not one of them can seperate him from his relationship to God. We are "more than conquerors in all these things." Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are
desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we ar where we are, exactly in the condition we are in.
I am sorry for the Christian who has not something in his circumstances he wishes was not there....Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are against God's character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it- the love of God in Christ. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time."
...I'm a Yult
last week...the last week of my junior year of college- bizarre really to think that i have reached this point in my life- i drug Jmay with me to Wal-Mart...we come flyin' around the corner-(with a quickness might i add)- windows down- music blaring- and we had to wait while this man(of whose age i shall not wager a guess) leisurely walked in front of my divinely appointed parking spot...mildly annoyed- i finally whipped it into the spot at last and turned off the engine. after we jumped out of G-Baby... (nickname for my car after this really adorable kid in this really dumb Keanu Reeves movie called
Hardball from back-in-the-day when i really liked Keanu Reeves movies- stupid, yes- but also endearing)...i mentioned to Jmay that he (the slow man) most likely thought we were just a couple of crazy teenagers...i was beginning to agree with this man's supposed thesis until she corrected me that we are not teenagers anymore...
what?...can it be true...am i an....an...a-a-a-adult???
aaahhh run for the hills....no, no...i can't be an adult- it just doesn't feel right.
but then, what are we?
Jmay suggested that first of all not panic..and second of all we are just 'young adults' -
well- i hated this title almost as much as the other. reminds me of that reject section of any bookstore where they keep all the prepubescent literature....no- 'young adult' will not do either....
yet having turned 21 (yesterday i might add) i can longer be a teenager- i don't care about hillary duff or the brand of my jeans- but i can't be an adult either- for although i love coffee and desperately care about the state of the world- i can sleep at night without having watched CNN and i do still think farting is funny-
so what am i?
a
yultJmay and i decided that we will call ourselves 'yults'
why? the short answer is that in the heat of the moment where we were driven to categorically define ourselves we simply smushed "young" and "adult" together and came up with it
and the slightly longer answer is that we are ready to move on from barbies and playdough but not quite ready to pay all the bills....
not to mention- 'yult' is just a really fun word to say...
